Douglas Miller's Joke Page What can we say about our friend Douglas Miller?
We could mention that he has been a radio personality, a TV weatherman, the head of the SPCA, and, at present, a real estate agent.
That's right! He just can't hold onto a job!
One of his hobbies is collecting and disseminating jokes. Thanks to the 'net, he can now bother many more people through e-mail. He sends these to me all the time!
I'll post 'em up as I get 'em.
Here's what he's sent me so far; the newest ones are nearest the top. (Although, to be honest, I left a few of the really good old ones in, too.)

Big Fat Airplane
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at Southwest Airlines."

Two Lovely Poems

I'm Glad I'm  a Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe
I don't live off yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only two beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend five minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery I don't get all bitchy every twenty-eight days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you !

I'm Glad I'm a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off Budweiser, beer nuts, and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I don't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, or scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see --- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know --- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife does not understand,
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

How to Understand Your Manager

That's very interesting.
I disagree.
I don't disagree.
I disagree.
I don't totally disagree with you.
You may be right, but I don't care.
You have to show me some flexibility.
You have to do it whether you want to or not.
We have an opportunity
You have a problem.
You obviously put a lot of work into this.
This is awful.
In a perfect world.
Just get it working and get it out the door.
Help me to understand.
I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.
You just don't understand our business.
We don't understand our business.
My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
&%^$ you.
I appreciate your contribution.
&%^$ you.
We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
We're going to do it my way.
I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.
Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
We want all the benefits and none of the costs.
We have to leverage our resources.
You're working weekends.
Individual contributor.
Employee who does real work.
Your project is on hold.
We've put a bullet in it.
Wrong answer.
You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.
You needed to be more proactive.
You should have protected me from myself.
I'd like your buy-in on this.
I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
I want to blame you for my mistakes.
We need to syndicate this decision.
We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
We have to put on our marketing hats.
We have to put ethics aside.
It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
I don't know how to do it.
It's a no-brainer.
It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
I'm glad you asked me that.
Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.
I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
One person couldn't possibly come up with something so stupid.
There are larger issues at stake.
I've made up my mind so don't bother me with facts.
I'll never lie to you.
The truth will change frequently.
Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.
Human Resources.
A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.
The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

It's the Spring of 1960 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:


Daily Affirmations

As I let go of my 'shoulds' and feelings of guilt, I get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of those around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

Whenever someone hurts me, I know forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit; but not
nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about me. The second is to do nice things for myself. The third step is to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

I am one with my duality.

Only a lack of imagination spares me from my imaginary fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

A good scapegoat is oftentimes better than a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV; instead, I will move my TV into the bedroom.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

In Praise of Older Women
An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. Older women have superior sexual stamina.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to order in.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a guy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her life because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

You Know You Live in Vancouver When...

Your co-worker tells you he has eight body piercings - none are visible.

You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

You realize that there are far more rainbow flags in the city than Canadian flags.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.

The woman who delivers your mail is straight, and the Mary Kay lady is gay.

Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call. "Do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?"

You think anyone wearing a Preston Manning haircut is Preston Manning.

You can't remember... Is pot still illegal?

You go to your office manager's baby shower. The parents are named Judy & Becky.

You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper sticker and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion about where you coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Winnipeg.

A man walks down Robson in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute person who is looking puzzled at a city map.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".

You haven't been to a BC Lions game since the first month you moved to Vancouver.

You are thinking about taking an adult education course, but you can't decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building your Web Site class.

Your new neighbours go to temple, but you are still not sure if they're Jewish or Buddist.

You realize that the only Tories you know are your Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Spencer in Surrey.

Haiku Error Messages for Computers
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data
. Guess which has occurred.

-- David Dixon

I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...

-- Owen Mathews

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

-- Peter Rothman

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

-- Chris Walsh

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

-- Barry L. Brumitt

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

-- Pat Davis

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

-- David J. Liszewski

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

-- Charlie Gibbs

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

-- Rik Jespersen

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

-- Suzie Wagner

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

-- Jason Axley

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

-- Charles Matthews

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

-- Nick Sweeney

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

-- Mike Hagler

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

-- Simon Firth

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

-- Howard Korder

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

-- Bill Torcaso

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

-- Joy Rothke

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

-- David Ansel

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

-- James Lopez

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

-- Rahul Sonnad

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

-- Margaret Segall

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

-- Brian M. Porter

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

-- Cass Whittington

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

-- Jim Griffith

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the file, Hal
open the, please Hal

-- Jennifer Jo Lane

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

-- Francis Heaney

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

-- Judy Birmingham

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

-- Jason Willoughby

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

-- Len Dvorkin

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

-- Ian Hughes

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Dennis Westhausen, an employee responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Now Dennis, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Dennis to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla -- for five hundred bucks? Dennis replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Dennis announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Dennis, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Wilson the Cook
Dangerfield, a traveling salesman, is drinking in a bar in a one-horse town, in the middle of nowhere. He's feeling really horny, and approaches the bartender.

He says, "Hey, pal, I need a girl. Can you help me?"

The bartender says, "There's no girls in this town. But there's always Wilson the cook..."

Dangerfield says, "Hey, man...I don't go for that shit."

He starts drinking again, and after a while, he approaches the bartender again.

He says, "Look, pal, any girl at all. I've got lots of bread, I'll take care of you, her, whatever."

The bartender says, "There ain't no girls, mac. But we do have Wilson the Cook..."

Dangerfield gets pissed. He says, "I told you, I don't go for that shit." Dangerfield goes back to his table.

He has about six more martinis, and by then, he's loaded, and he can't take it anymore.

He goes up to the bar and says, "Okay, okay, Wilson the cook. Fine. What do I do?"

The bartender says, "Go into the back room there, and I'll send in Wilson with R.L. and Maurice in about ten minutes."

Dangerfield says, " R.L. and Maurice? Who the hell are R.L. and Maurice?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're gonna hold him. Wilson doesn't go for that shit, either."

Dcotor's Office
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly: make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking ass."

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this ... when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

New Parts
Jack is desperate by the time he goes to the doctor and explains that he is having trouble getting an erection.

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem with you is that the muscles round the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment. What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently for a minute. "The thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much. Let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner, looking across the table at her low cut dress, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, up onto the top of the table, grabbed a roll from his bread plate and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."

Are Computers Male or Female?

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is right around the corner.
3. They look attractive-until you take them home.
4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!

An old couple go to the doctor for their yearly physicals. One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examination room, starting with the husband.

"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age." says the doctor.

The man replies, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me."

"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.

The old man says, "For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom -- and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."

"That's nice." said the doctor, confused. "Send your wife in now, please." The wife comes in and the doc says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a woman your age."

She then says, "Well, doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke ...."

The doctor interrupts, "And the good Lord looks after you, right?" The woman is confused and says, "What are you talking about?"

The doctor explains, "Your husband was just telling me the same thing. He said that the good Lord looks after him. Like last night when he had to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him."

"Damn!" she yelled, "So he's pissing in the refrigerator again!"

Cattle Auction
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced sixty times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, "See! That was more than five times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some ten times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!"

BHJ Top 10
The Top 15 Things Overheard in the Beverly Hills Jail

15."Ah yes, Mr. Downey, sir. And how many nights will you be staying with us? Will a room on the west wing suit you?"

14."Hey, man, check it out -- ain't that Beavis and Butt-head?"

13."I don't care how many packs of cigarettes you have, Bruno, my first love will always be the theater."

12."The warden's wife was wondering if you gentlemen could join her for tea and petit-fours at two-ish?"

11."Where's my body double, dammit?!?"

10."Jeeves, could you please retrieve that bar of soap for me?"

9."Okay, this time I'll be William Hurt and you be Raul Julia."

8."Either you start talking or the poodle gets it."

7."Helloooooo, Nancy boys!"

6."Yo, Actor Boy -- do Nicholson again!"

5."Lemme show ya *my* Oscar -- and it ain't gold plated!"

4."Sorry, I'm just not really *believing* that you want me to be your bitch... can we try the dialogue again?"

3."Nobody knows the trouble I've--hey! This chardonnay is supposed to be chilled!"

2."Guard! Downey's passed out in the wrong cell again!"

......and the Number 1 Thing Overheard in the Beverly Hills City Jail...

1."Okay, here's the plan: You bite him and I'll grab the heroin."

When I was in junior high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time.

So I decided needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.

So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

A young man joined the Canadian Armed Forces and signed up with the Airborne Regiment. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five and 250 pounds, is rumoured to be abusive with the new recruits. He said to me, ``Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''

I said, ``No, sir. I'm too scared.''

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!

He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass."

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

"What are doing here with a dog?"

"The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

"HE DID!" says Bernie.

"I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."

"Its true!"

"Ok", said the Rabbi, thinking he would call Bernie's bluff, "then show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie, nodding to the dog. The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full fifteen minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU talk to him! HE wants to be a doctor!"

In the Road
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their love making, in spite of his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair.

"Are you crazy?" The driver shouted at them. "You could have been killed!"

The man stood up and said "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming.....and you were the only one with brakes."

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, but they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..."

Birth Control
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

The doctor was obviously taken aback by such a request from an old woman. He thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice."

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out at their favorite restaurant when a tall slender blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, the Whistler Mountain townhouse and our winter home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

Point of View
God had finally had enough of the antics of the human race, In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."

With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is, He's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all. The worse news is He's mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."

A young fellow came home from school and was overheard by his mother as he was reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch--"

"Jimmy" shouted her mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use words like 'son of a bitch'".

"But, Mom," replied Jimmy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud until we learned it."

Next day, the boy's mother went to school with her son and right into the classroom to complain.

"Oh, heavens!" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them at all. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

Hot Dogs
A pair of brothers moved to the U.S. and arrived in New York City. They were unfamiliar with North American culture and wanted to "fit in" so they closely watched the locals and tried to do the things New Yorkers do.

One day they're wandering around mid-town Manhattan at lunchtime, and they spot a hot dog vendor. One brother turns to the other and says, "They eat dogs in America? Do you think we should try some?"

"Well, we want to be like Americans, so I think we should try it".

They each bought a hot dog and sat on a bench to eat.

The first to unwrap his hot dog looked at it, winced, turned to his brother and said, "What part did you get?"

Dr. Suess Stories That Didn't Make It To Print
dougball.gif - 0.95 K The Cat in the Blender
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Fox in Detox
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Who Shat in the Hat?
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Horton Hires a Ho
dougball.gif - 0.95 K The Flesh-Eating Lorax
dougball.gif - 0.95 K How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
dougball.gif - 0.95 K One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Are You My Proctologist?
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Yentl the Lentil
dougball.gif - 0.95 K My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Aunts in My Pants
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
dougball.gif - 0.95 K Horton Fakes an Orgasm
dougball.gif - 0.95 K The Grinch's Ten Inches

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time
Show up naked.

The Shifty Swab

A depressed young woman In Victoria was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the waters of Juan de Fuca Strait.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm sailing to Europe in the morning, and you can stow away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you keep me happy". The girl understood his intent and nodded "yes". After all what did she have to lose?

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night the sailor brought her a piece of fruit and three sandwiches and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later during a routine search she was discovered by the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of your sailors", she explained tearfully. "He's taking me to Europe and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady", said the Captain "this is the Swartz Bay Ferry."

Windows 95

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Adam and Eve

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

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